Listening to The Joy Formidable (A Balloon Called Moaning) Have a listen - Whirring

I finally broke down and bought an iPhone. Got myself the iPhone 4 on Tuesday as a present to myself for pushing out a baby on that day seven years ago, and have dedicated myself (part time) to figuring it out (the phone, not the delivery). So far, mixed results. My phone now quacks instead of rings (no idea how I did that) and I can’t seem to figure out how to place a phone call from my contact list, but it’s been cool (and immediately addictive) to get email at the pool and play Frogger while I’m waiting in line at the grocery store. (Complete sidebar – in New Jersey the natives say “standing on line” instead of “in line” like the rest of the civilized world. After 15 years here it still sounds wrong.)

I tried to load about 25% of my iTunes music collection onto it but it couldn’t take it. It had a little iBreakdown on me. It suggested that it choose from my collection what it feels should be on the phone, within the available space parameters. Being an open-minded sort, I agreed (with caveat that I’d erase that shit if it didn’t meet my approval).

So now I’ve got a random collection of music on my iPhone 4, but no room for new stuff. My next project, after I stop my phone from quacking at me, is to get rid of its music selection and add in just what I need on there. This will force me to make some tough decisions. What am I most likely to need while out and about? Every album PJ Harvey has put out? The full Radiohead collection? Prince’s Greatest Hits double album? All of it! I need all of it!!

And I feel bad skipping over an artist, like I’m hurting its feelings. Will Amy Winehouse hit the bottle hard if I don’t put her on my iPhone? Will Beck’s Guero album feel unsettled if it doesn’t have its big brother Mellow Gold with it? And how am I supposed to choose just one album anyway? It’s like a modern (and completely unimportant) version of Sophie’s Choice.

One feature of the iPhone, which they don’t seem to advertise at all, is its moral compass. They go on and on about the GPS, but let you find out by surprise that the iPhone is now programmed to make (completely misguided, I must add) assessments on your lifestyle. I got my phone home on Tuesday and hooked it up to my laptop to set it up. It loads up the home page, and all the text is in Dutch. No way I could figure this thing out in Dutch (even though I have spent a week in the Netherlands), so I touch a button with a phone receiver on it hoping to place a call to AppleCare. Up pops a keypad, and I’m feeling über-proficient in both technology and the Dutch language. I put in the phone number, feeling good about everything, when a huge red button appears at the bottom of the screen that says “SLUT.”

Apparently, there’s an iMorality app. In the spirit of my iPhone’s judgmental attitude, I’m brainstorming on what my ring tone should be. I’m leaning toward “You Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC or maybe something by Lil’ Kim. Suggestions on how I can further scandalize my iPhone?