Infected

Listening to: America's Next Top Model on TV

My beloved nose piercing has been grieving me.

I noticed a little bump growing next to it a few weeks ago that seemed to grow bigger or smaller depending my mood, the lunar cycle... I couldn't figure it out. After some early morning online research I found out that it's a common side effect of nose piercings, and even has a name: "The Bump." Something about scar tissue, infection, allergy to stainless steel and/or the Apocalypse -- it just sounded horrible.

Fellow Bump victims offered all kinds of folk remedies to remove this thing, but no one surefire solution seemed to exist. So I fell back on my own folk remedy: worry passively.

Surprisingly this seemed to work.

Then out of nowhere The Bump grew. And grew. And got purplish and black and the size of a bloated pea. This happened over the course of about 6 hours. After a few minutes of applying hot compresses to it I swear it growled at me. I went to bed praying that overnight it would complete its evolution and crawl off my face.

I started working at a full time contract position a couple weeks ago, so when I woke up the next morning I was horrified at what I had to bring to work with me that day -- a big, blackish-purple growth on the left side of my nose. I gave The Bump and myself a pep talk. "If I'm extra friendly people won't notice!" I told us brightly, knowing in my heart that it was a lie as black as The Bump itself.

I knew the only way to truly survive it was, at any cost, to let no one see the left side of my face. Difficult when you work in a cube farm at a crowded office. But you know what, I did it. And I know I did it, because I would have heard the screams if I hadn't.

That night I chose a folk remedy at random and threw myself into its application. Soaking the bump in sea salt water, both compresses and literally dunking my nose into the cup of sea salt water, did the trick within an hour. I won't go into the details, but The Bump was officially on its way out. This must be what the nose piercer was babbling about on my way out of his shop. I remember him saying about three times that the best way to keep it clean was sea salt. But what did he know? Who needs instructions from experts? Not me.

Inspired by success, I got the idea to use a neti pot to wash the inside of my infected nose piercing, thereby hitting it from both sides. I'd never used a neti pot before, but how hard could it be? I mixed the solution of salt and water, plugged up one nostril with the spout of the pot, and tilted my head like the chick on the box. Except the salt water doesn't gracefully pour out the other nostril like it shows hers doing. Instead I literally can feel my head filling up with water -- every sinus cavity, my ears, the shit is leaking out my tear ducts. I swear it's what encephalitis must feel like.

Finally like a drop comes out the other nostril, but by this point it's also pouring down my throat -- I'm drowning myself in my kitchen. So I unplug myself from the spout and blow air out my nose because I'm fucking drowning and all this snot comes out. But I also hear a high-pitched whistling in both ears as I do it -- I've got so much water in my ears that I can hear the air whoosing through it. So now my nose is clean (or at least salty) but I've now given myself a sinus and ear infection.

I decided to then read the instructions that came with the neti pot, which warn sternly of the proper tilt of the head to avoid filling face, brain, ears, etc with water. Again, I feel no need for advice from experts. I will dive into huge life decisions without a thought to consequences, yet will practically give myself an aneurysm overthinking what type of mustard to put on my sandwich.

Moving from infection to infectious, I am digging the Chairlift song "Bruises." The rest of the album is pretty good but not nearly as good as that one song. Chairlift reminds me of Kate Nash a bit in the Vocal Stylings department, and has a Vampire Weekend sort of boppiness to it, so overall they are derivative. But they're derivative of two of my favorite bands so I'm feeling tolerant. They're playing Santos Party House, one of the best dance clubs right now, in March. I'm gonna attempt to catch them, then dance the night away. Hopefully I won't have to match my outfit to any gross facial infections.